Quiet

All is quiet in the house now. Everyone has gone to sleep. I miss Sara right now and will be glad to see her in a little over 24 hours. Well more like 36 hours. I've really been struggling the last couple weeks. With my biological father just pulling the alimony out from under my mother it makes me feel things that I thought that I resolved a long time ago. Is it okay to never want to see the man again? Is it wrong to feel that way? I haven't seen him in like 13 years now. It was him that bailed. When he bailed he not only left my mother but he left me too. Sometimes that hurts really bad even now 13 years later. I have to remember the relief that I felt the day he left. My house finally became somewhere safe to me. Before that I didn't feel safe when he was there. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that your father abandoned you and even harder to then be able to relate to God as a father. I shiver when I hear the term father even now. I feel safe in my home now. It is not a place to be frightened. I hope that peace doesn't leave anytime soon because even now at 30 years old I need that feeling. I guess that is really all that I had to say this evening. I shall do what everyone else is doing and go to bed.

J.

Today...

As I sit here typing I look out into the darkness outside. I can see little white snowflakes falling. I love snow. I always find that these times away remind me of who I am and where I am heading. I forget in all the hustle and bustle who I am supposed to be letting guide my life and I take that control over. It's usually a disaster when I do. I have been better about that lately. I was sad a week ago when I realized I wouldn't be able to go to church for a while but there has to be some reason for it. This week has been a week of decisions. I did not feel peace about transferring to CCU right now. I am going to stay put on 400 South for now and rather than take on more classes at work I'm going to try and get involved more at church. I'm going to make a couple phone calls when I get home and hopefully that will plug me in more. I was reminded last week of our ragamuffin retreats. What good memories. I needed to be reminded of my ragamuffin self. I'm looking forward to seeing what is going to come next because right now I have no clue where I'm headed but that's okay.

J.